Why you fall in love

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/love_why.shtml

Why you fall in love

As well as physical attraction, many people are drawn to someone who
shares the same interests. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall
explores why we fall in love with some people and not with others.

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one
partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm.
It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings,
but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are
being managed. Different couples will experience it in different
ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when
you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship
psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit
All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details
about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains
information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and
anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's
blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a
blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities
of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for
differences.

Opposites attract
The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can
complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as
us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can
learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are
different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar
life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems
that our other half is often our best chance of becoming
psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have
noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you
recognise any of these?

Parent and child - this type of couple often has shared issues with
dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by
behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they
remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after
them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is
able to deny their own needs for dependency as they're acted out by
the other.

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and
control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever
subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household
circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully
toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their
laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but
have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one
of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more
intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap
round.

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other
on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To
avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to
play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner
who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look
alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same
interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They
keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining
forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they
should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything.
They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As
we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip
into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of
illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child
model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following
the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?
All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves
from discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until
something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs
change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feell they are no
longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of
behaviour that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening
in your relationship, see When you first met.

Further help
If this article has raised some difficult issues for you then try
talking it through with a partner or trusted friend. Alternatively
you may want to consider counselling. If you're not sure whether
this would be right for you, or if you want to find out more about
it, have a look at our article Do you need counselling?